Free Counter
ab scissors

Tales from a small town

Short stories about life in a small town. Non-fiction. Great reading.

Friday, May 12, 2006

It's no wonder....

I'm up at the podium (where the manager sits) and I'm just watching the manager approve deals for other salesman. It's educational, because I like to know if the other salesmen are getting preferential treatment, or if they're swinging deals using methods I don't know anything about.

During a lull in the action, Jerry's looking right at me. I couldn't figure out why. It was uncomfortable. After a long, awkward silence, he says, "Sure! I wouldn't mind if you bought me a pop!" So I laugh, and raise my hand a little, to indicate that I was about to say something, and he says, "No! Seriously; I don't mind. I drink Sprite." So I laugh again and start to say something and he says, "That's really great of you to offer. I don't want you to feel awkward about this, it really doesn't bother me at all. It's so nice of you, by the way: I drink Sprite." Then he looks at me as if to say, "Hop to it, motherfucker."

So I said, "You know, it's no wonder you're the top salesman here. I'll tell you what: I'll get your damnned Sprite for you - on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You have to give me advice on how to sell cars."

"Why me?"

"Why not? You're the top banana, right?"


"So doesn't it stand to reason I should get something out of buying you a pop?"


I get his freakin' pop, and an hour and a half rolls by, and he acts like we didn't have a deal. I nod to the empty can: "Hey! I held up my end of the bargain, now it's your turn."

"What do you mean?"

"My advice."

"Oh yeah. I meant to tell you: you're putting me in an awkward position here, because if I say the wrong thing unintentionally, you'll take it the wrong way and hate my guts. You're doing a great job - keep up the good work."

"That ain't going to cut it. I want you to teach me something."

He thinks for a while.

"OK, tell you what: you just say yes to everything I say, got it?"


"Hi, my name is Jerry - welcome to XYZ Motors; what's yours?"


"So Boris, find what you're looking for?"


"No, no you dumbass, you're not supposed to say yes to that or you won't learn anything."

"OK. 'No. I haven't seen what I'm looking for.' "

"What'ch'ya looking for?"

By now I'm thinking I better get the most out of my education with Jerry, so I fall into the role of who they call, "Big Bad Bob." Big Bad Bob is out on the lot everyday, taking the form of almost every male up there is. Big Bad Bob is an asshole who won't be taken lightly and he won't be talked into anything but what he came to look at.

Me: "I don't know. I really don't like anything I see."

"What'd'ya looking for?"

"Don't know."

"Great! We've got some 15 passenger church busses over here I can get you a great bargain on."

"I don't care about church busses."

"So you do have a little bit of an idea of what you're looking for if you know that church busses aren't of any interest, am I correct? Let me ask you this: what're ya trying to do?"

"I don't understand: 'what am I trying to do?' "

"You're here for a reason: is it information on vehicles, or is it pricing?"

"I want prices, and I specifically want the price on that one, right there. What is it?"

"So, if we could come to the right numbers on this vehicle, we could wrap it up, and send you home in it right now, couldn't we?"

"Hey, I just want the price."

"Great! Come on in!"

Then Jerry continues: "See what I just did there?"


"Big Bad Bob wants to be taken seriously as a player. He's treating the sales staff like shit and barking out orders. There's only one way for him to keep up his little power trip, and that's to show you he's a man of substance - otherwise, he's not the player he wants you to think he is. When I told you to come on in, what's your only response if you still want to be taken seriously as a player?

"I've got to come on in?"



"Otherwise, he just looks like he's full of hot air, and Big Bad Bob is a man of action, and I just offered Big Bad Bob an action to take - kind of like a dare. You don't think Big Bad Bob is going to be too chicken to take on a tiny little dare, do you?"

I think that was the best fifty cents I ever spent!