The boys, March 6, 2007

I didn't pay as much attention the guys.

The first one that came out: Blake Lewis: the human beat-box; he's an awesome performer. He'll wind up in the top 3, for sure.

Sundance Head: you've got potential, but you need a great voice coach. Maybe you should look up Kathrine McPhee's mother. Also, don't listen to your agent when he/she tells you to cry all the time. It looks affected.

Sanjaya: no, no one was surprised at all that you know how to hula. We'd be surprised if you were a soccer hooligan or a rugby player, or if you were ever a rider in a rodeo; but hula dancing fits you all so well. In fact, I don't know who's prettier: you or your sister. I think it would come down to whichever one of you wore a coconut bra the best. In the American Idol competition, stick to the Micheal Jackson, androgonyous nymph-like character, and don't turn your back on it. Micheal Jackson is huge for that reason, and you will be too, if you stick to that formula.

Brandon Rogers: you're a star.

Chris Sligh: you're a star.

The rest of you guys: go home. You suck.

The girls, February 28, 2007

This is just advise I'd give the contestants after watching the show.

I'm a blue-collar guy with no formal training. If you don't like my opinions, oh well.

Gina Glocksen: Can’t sing Heart – don’t try. I thought Paula and Randy were too kind. Simon was right on. Didn’t like the dyed red stripe on her hair. Pick something less ambitious, and you’ll survive at least one more week. Sorry, but the back-up singer was better than you.

Alaina Alexander: good enough to be a “b-list”country star, headlining county fairs –and packing them in – but not a country super star. Would never make it in pop. Also: gain some weight – and get a manicure if you’re going to use your fingers to show people which number you are.

LaKisha Jones: This better not be another re-run of Mahndisa: a black girl who can sing, but since she won’t ever wind up on a beer poster, off the show sooner than she should be. This one’s a natural. Don’t bounce around when you sing: you’re every bit as good as the MoTown singers whose songs you’re singing. You don’t need to bounce.

Melinda Doolittle: Great voice, and your stage presence gets better every week. Another natural singer. Your outfit choice seemed like it was right out of the “Lesbians –R- Us” catalogue. Change it up a bit with your wardrobe – that’s the only thing you could improve. The intense tigress look and endearing smile are your look. Stick with a wardrobe choice that’ll enhance these opposing personality traits, and make you look taller.

Antonella Barba: Visually stunning in every respect: hair, teeth, looks and fashion sense. You wisely held back on the big notes you couldn’t hit if you went all the way with them, and held it together nicely as a result. You won’t make the top 3 in this competition, but your looks guarantee a good singing career. For what it’s worth: you’re the contestant I’d most like to see frolicking in a hot tub with Paula Abdul.

Jordin Sparks: Great singer. Your voice will get you in the top 3; your fashion sense could keep you out of it. Don’t wear baby-doll dresses unless you have some girls to show off. You are a great singer.

Stephanie Edwards: You’d be the whole package, if you’d just grow your hair a little. I think you are the whole package – you’re not the greatest singer, but you are a great singer, and out of the great singers, you’re the best looking.

Leslie Hunt: You seem like the nicest contestant in the competition. Bad song choice. Also, your deep, smoky, sensual voice and your nice, housewife-next-door persona are in a definite state of clash. Your choice of wardrobe? WTF! It was goofy and geeky. Watch some Edie Brickell videos and emulate – don’t copy her. Drop the Cyndi Lauper fashion sense, and you’ll have a great career, even if you don’t go all the way in this competition.

Haley Scarnato: You electrified the audience with your stage presence. This was a fun performance to watch. You have more stage presence and personality than most of the contestants. If you work on the vocals – a lot – you could be a contender for the top 3.
Sabrina Sloan: They saved the best for last: ‘nuff said.